Monday, August 25, 2014

I keep coming back to this place after not writing for a very very long time.  My life is so far removed from when I posted last.

The quick and dirty.... Oldest son is doing fantastic, Youngest son is serving in the US Navy and is deployed.  I am proud and happy for him, and gutted because he is the baby and is so very far away.  I miss the daily contact with him.  nineteen is an adult, but I wish he were here.

I am about 6 weeks from a finalized divorce.  I just got my first apartment since I was in my 20's and it is in the ghetto.. since I am a full time nursing student and work also, It is what I can afford, and it is a place that would accept my dog.  I only get the Bassett Hound, he took my jack and the beagle.  I am devastated at the situation with the pups, but the jack is bonded to the beagle and I know he will take good care of them.

I am in this weird place where I feel free, and mostly at peace, but I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the failure of my marriage.  I knew that we were not happy for a long time, and I knew I needed to move on from it, but it is still so very sad.  I am also feeling excited for my future.  I have worked so dang hard to get to where I am at with school and my future as an RN that I can't stop now.  I have 18 months left of that journey and I intend to graduate and pass my NCLEX first try.

I have met some amazing new people through school that I feel I will know for the rest of my life.  Nursing school is a weird kind of dichotomy.  Your cohort is thrown into situations where you have to constantly work together and support one another (at least in small groups) to get through it.  You bond really fast.  It can either be very competitive or very supportive.  I am lucky.  I landed in a supportive, hold hands around the fire, sing Kumbaya and pass the fireball  kind of cohort.

Nursing school is teaching me so much about Science, Math, English, Medicine but one of the most important lessons I am learning is Compassion and lessons about myself.  I am learning what triggers my sadness, how I think, why I have made the decisions I have made, and also I am learning to create boundaries for myself that I have not ever had before.. I was the yes girl.. Yep.. I can help, Yes, I can drive, Yes, I can give you money, help, babysit, cook, clean, stay up.. all at the expense of myself.

Those lessons are hard to learn, and more importantly, hard to put into consistent practice.  It is a work in progress for sure, but I find I do better after a slip up... this last couple of weeks is a good example.  I am still doing the house chores at his house and mowing because the house is up for sale and he does not feel like doing them.  This has been a constant battle for me.. so Labor Day weekend I am visiting family and friends and I explained that he would have to start doing these things because I was no longer going to be available as I was out of town and then would be moving out for good.  I was happy to help out occasionally, but the daily grind would not be happening.  He is not happy, but he agreed to take over.

I have run myself a little ragged and have been working full time this summer.  I am scared about finances, juggling work, school, friends, family and a dog on my own, but I think it will actually be good for me.

This Labor Day weekend marks the beginning of the Year Of ME!  I would say that I will keep up with this thing, but who am I kidding?


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